I've never felt better sitting on the toilet. That may sound disgusting, but I want to make the circumstances clear and record them because they are magical.
You've had a rough couple of nights, if I remember correctly and feel how exhausted I feel correctly. I can see that your gums are a bit inflamed and so I understand why you would be crankier than normal in your sleep.
Before we went to bed, we had a very unhealthy pizza dinner. It was salty and we let you have bites of whatever, because you haven't been eating lately either (also due to the K-9's coming in) so at some point we just want you to eat SOMETHING vs NOTHING. I gather that the salt in the pizza made you pretty thirsty.
At 2am you woke up frantically asking for "agua". In the past you've woken up to "ask" for water but really you're just sleep talking because you fall right back asleep. This time you didn't want to fall back asleep and demanded it. I asked you "Should we go to the kitchen and get some agua?" You said "Yes, yes" and I said "Okay" and you held onto me as we walked around your Papa sleeping in the living room to the refrigerator. I filled your Elmo cup and you gulped down your agua. I poured some for myself and then for your Papa. I walked back to the room but not before realizing that I needed to pee and that there was no way you were going to go anywhere but my lap while I did so.
This is where the magic happens.
I sat on the toilet and began peeing. Then. You gave me a really big hug as I was still sitting on the toilet and then tilted your head upwards and kissed me on the cheek.
Magic.
I don't know why that was so magical but to me it was a "Thank you" and makes everything worthwhile. It highlighted how valuable I am, because you depend on me and I meet your needs willingly, and not just to you but in general. "Thank you, Mama, for realizing I really wanted water this time and going to get me some and bringing me with you while comforting me with your words and telling me what was happening. Thank you for being patient and giving when all you want is to sleep undisturbed. Thank you for cuddling me even as you pee even though all you want is to pee undisturbed. Thank you."
You're welcome, my sweet daughter. Your kiss is everything and I owe you everything in return.
7.23.2013
7.22.2013
7/13-7/14
Oh, Halena. You had a great weekend. You did, save from the episode yesterday in which you were inconsolable until I got home from studying and your Papa seemed a little traumatized when I got home. I think I need to work on helping him build his confidence around helping you cope with your big feelings, like when you miss Mama. I'm sure he did a great job, but when he called I could hear an anxiousness in his voice that I'm sure can't help but be projected and felt by you.
Back to why you had a great weekend. We took you to the Irvine Spectrum for the first time! I think I was pregnant last time I went there, or maybe it was the year before. I was actually very, very excited to go, unlike ever before, because the intention was for you to ride the carousel and ferris wheel (your first time!). We did both! It was such a joy to watch you with your Papa in the background riding with you. You both rode horses, I rode a giant kitty cat wearing a hat. Eric came with us and rode a horse that didn't go "up-n-down".
After the carousel we waited in line for the ferris wheel and when we got in you were so curious about what was happening. When we got to the top you pointed at the big orange balloon at the Great Park and pointed out some other big balloons on the other side. We all watched the sun setting and you were fearless the whole time. It was an adventure for you and I can't wait to do it again even though before this time I was pretty nervous about it.
After that we went to get ice cream at Cold Stone and Eric gave you SOO much that afterwards you were so very wired and were doing some very silly things on our way back to the car.
When you got home you fell right asleep, exhausted from the stimulation of your adventures and all the people at the Spectrum.
Then yesterday, around 5, Eric came back but this time brought Becca! She brought you a surprise, too. It was a giant cupcake she had baked but left the decorating for you. We took it outside on the porch and placed the cupcake, frosting, and sprinkles on the wood bench. Then we got started. First you put the frosting on it and quickly moved on to the sprinkles. I have a feeling the sprinkles part was tour favorite. Your hand became so colorful with sprinkles all over it! I tried to get a picture but it was too blurry because yo kept wanting to put your hand in your mouth.
When you were done, we brought out a big broom to sweep the mess and a little broom for you to help! Soon after Papa began bringing out a round tupperware to water the plants on the porch and you became curious about that. I asked Papa to fill it with water for you to play in. He did and you immediately sat down in it, clothes and all. Just as soon as you got in, you got out and dumped all the water into the grass.
When we came inside I changed your clothes and we came out to the living room. Becca danced with you and we played a game in which she flew you around the living room in her arms and chased after me. You were having suh a good time, but us older folks tired quickly. The rest of the evening was spent eating tacos with Veganaise and playing games on Becca's phone and getting teased by a Tio Eric who REALLY loves to make you laugh. But you're still pretty leary of him. Must be the beard. Get used to it, missy!
Anyway, one successful weekend for a fun-deserving little girl.
Back to why you had a great weekend. We took you to the Irvine Spectrum for the first time! I think I was pregnant last time I went there, or maybe it was the year before. I was actually very, very excited to go, unlike ever before, because the intention was for you to ride the carousel and ferris wheel (your first time!). We did both! It was such a joy to watch you with your Papa in the background riding with you. You both rode horses, I rode a giant kitty cat wearing a hat. Eric came with us and rode a horse that didn't go "up-n-down".
After the carousel we waited in line for the ferris wheel and when we got in you were so curious about what was happening. When we got to the top you pointed at the big orange balloon at the Great Park and pointed out some other big balloons on the other side. We all watched the sun setting and you were fearless the whole time. It was an adventure for you and I can't wait to do it again even though before this time I was pretty nervous about it.
After that we went to get ice cream at Cold Stone and Eric gave you SOO much that afterwards you were so very wired and were doing some very silly things on our way back to the car.
When you got home you fell right asleep, exhausted from the stimulation of your adventures and all the people at the Spectrum.
Then yesterday, around 5, Eric came back but this time brought Becca! She brought you a surprise, too. It was a giant cupcake she had baked but left the decorating for you. We took it outside on the porch and placed the cupcake, frosting, and sprinkles on the wood bench. Then we got started. First you put the frosting on it and quickly moved on to the sprinkles. I have a feeling the sprinkles part was tour favorite. Your hand became so colorful with sprinkles all over it! I tried to get a picture but it was too blurry because yo kept wanting to put your hand in your mouth.
When you were done, we brought out a big broom to sweep the mess and a little broom for you to help! Soon after Papa began bringing out a round tupperware to water the plants on the porch and you became curious about that. I asked Papa to fill it with water for you to play in. He did and you immediately sat down in it, clothes and all. Just as soon as you got in, you got out and dumped all the water into the grass.
When we came inside I changed your clothes and we came out to the living room. Becca danced with you and we played a game in which she flew you around the living room in her arms and chased after me. You were having suh a good time, but us older folks tired quickly. The rest of the evening was spent eating tacos with Veganaise and playing games on Becca's phone and getting teased by a Tio Eric who REALLY loves to make you laugh. But you're still pretty leary of him. Must be the beard. Get used to it, missy!
Anyway, one successful weekend for a fun-deserving little girl.
7.21.2013
Belly breathe
http://nurshable.com/2013/07/21/accepting-the-soft-skin-of-my-belly-that-used-to-be-your-home/
Accepting the Soft Skin of my Belly That Used to Be Your Home
Dear Babygirl,
You like to roll the soft skin of my belly between your fingers as you gaze up at me and crinkle your blue eyes with happiness. When your daddy touches my belly I tend to push his hands away, self conscious of the skin that used to be taut and socially acceptable. Society has filled my head with nonsense about how my body should look. With you, though, I smile back and say “Yes. It’s soft.” I know it is because I’ve pinched it myself and felt the softness of it. So different from its former texture. I’ve let go of the dismay and have tried to feel it the way you must feel it. Soft and pliable. Thinner closer to my belly button with that funny little wrinkle where I used to have a navel ring.
I know that to you at this age now I am nothing short of perfect. I am lovely. I am beautiful. I am comfort. I am everything that you need. And it feels so funny and strange to say this and to just accept it. You see, babygirl.. So many women are so full of self loathing and after we have babies our bodies are “damaged” and we have to get ourselves back to what we were before our babies were born.
You know none of that. To you my belly is just soft and wonderful, a sweet comfortable part of your mommy. It is perfect. It is beautiful. It is where you used to live. It stretched out as you grew. And now it is something to knead and play with the way you might play with a soft blanket.
How can I dislike something that you love so much? Something that you find so much comfort and joy in? How can I take the opinions that others write down in magazines as something more important than yours?
Yes. I love my body and the softness that you have given it. I love the reminder of where you grew. I love that this softness is your safe place in the dark of the night when you are having a hard time sleeping. I love that you find comfort there.
As you grow older you might choose to change your views to match the way this culture thinks. You might tell me that I am ugly and you might fear that your body will one day resemble mine. I won’t mind, because I held those same thoughts in my head before my first child was born.
One day if you choose to have a child.. You’ll hold that child on your belly and you’ll breathe in a startling deep truth. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. And no beholder is more important than your child. You’ll realize that no other opinion matters as much as that of the little human in your arms.
Yes, little one. It’s soft and wonderful in your hands. Yes, little one, it squishes as you push your feet against it while you nurse. And yes, it’s beautiful to you. And it’s beautiful to me as well, because it brings you joy.
As you grow you may find me less than beautiful. That’s okay. That is how this society works, there’s a single “beautiful” stage that you grow into and that you swiftly pass out of. As a baby you taught me that this is a lie. You are beautiful as you are born-wrinkled and covered in vernix. You are beautiful as you grow, small and uncoordinated. You are beautiful as you toddle about covered in jam and sand. You are beautiful when you are young. You are beautiful when you are older and softer with bags under your eyes from long nights with a child that you love. You are beautiful as your children grow. You are beautiful as you hold your grandchildren. And you are beautiful as they grow.
The thing that makes you beautiful isn’t taut skin and dark eyelashes. It’s not smooth hair and dimples. It’s not the flawlessness of youth nor the marks of age.
Joy is what makes you beautiful. You have given me this.
<3 Mama
Accepting the Soft Skin of my Belly That Used to Be Your Home
Dear Babygirl,
You like to roll the soft skin of my belly between your fingers as you gaze up at me and crinkle your blue eyes with happiness. When your daddy touches my belly I tend to push his hands away, self conscious of the skin that used to be taut and socially acceptable. Society has filled my head with nonsense about how my body should look. With you, though, I smile back and say “Yes. It’s soft.” I know it is because I’ve pinched it myself and felt the softness of it. So different from its former texture. I’ve let go of the dismay and have tried to feel it the way you must feel it. Soft and pliable. Thinner closer to my belly button with that funny little wrinkle where I used to have a navel ring.
I know that to you at this age now I am nothing short of perfect. I am lovely. I am beautiful. I am comfort. I am everything that you need. And it feels so funny and strange to say this and to just accept it. You see, babygirl.. So many women are so full of self loathing and after we have babies our bodies are “damaged” and we have to get ourselves back to what we were before our babies were born.
You know none of that. To you my belly is just soft and wonderful, a sweet comfortable part of your mommy. It is perfect. It is beautiful. It is where you used to live. It stretched out as you grew. And now it is something to knead and play with the way you might play with a soft blanket.
How can I dislike something that you love so much? Something that you find so much comfort and joy in? How can I take the opinions that others write down in magazines as something more important than yours?
Yes. I love my body and the softness that you have given it. I love the reminder of where you grew. I love that this softness is your safe place in the dark of the night when you are having a hard time sleeping. I love that you find comfort there.
As you grow older you might choose to change your views to match the way this culture thinks. You might tell me that I am ugly and you might fear that your body will one day resemble mine. I won’t mind, because I held those same thoughts in my head before my first child was born.
One day if you choose to have a child.. You’ll hold that child on your belly and you’ll breathe in a startling deep truth. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. And no beholder is more important than your child. You’ll realize that no other opinion matters as much as that of the little human in your arms.
Yes, little one. It’s soft and wonderful in your hands. Yes, little one, it squishes as you push your feet against it while you nurse. And yes, it’s beautiful to you. And it’s beautiful to me as well, because it brings you joy.
As you grow you may find me less than beautiful. That’s okay. That is how this society works, there’s a single “beautiful” stage that you grow into and that you swiftly pass out of. As a baby you taught me that this is a lie. You are beautiful as you are born-wrinkled and covered in vernix. You are beautiful as you grow, small and uncoordinated. You are beautiful as you toddle about covered in jam and sand. You are beautiful when you are young. You are beautiful when you are older and softer with bags under your eyes from long nights with a child that you love. You are beautiful as your children grow. You are beautiful as you hold your grandchildren. And you are beautiful as they grow.
The thing that makes you beautiful isn’t taut skin and dark eyelashes. It’s not smooth hair and dimples. It’s not the flawlessness of youth nor the marks of age.
Joy is what makes you beautiful. You have given me this.
<3 Mama
7.13.2013
July 13
When I was changing your diaper today you heard your Papa sneeze and said "Bless you". You kept saying it when he came into the room until he acknowledged you. It was pretty adorable.
I might have already mentioned this but the other night as you were drifting off to sleep you popped off the chichita and said "All done, Mama".
You really like to say "cookie" but it sounds like "tootie".
Also, when I ask you if you want something and you do you say "Yesh' yesh!" My heart is melted on the floor.
I might have already mentioned this but the other night as you were drifting off to sleep you popped off the chichita and said "All done, Mama".
You really like to say "cookie" but it sounds like "tootie".
Also, when I ask you if you want something and you do you say "Yesh' yesh!" My heart is melted on the floor.
7.12.2013
Zoo and Ouchies
We went to the zoo again today and oh man do you love the carousel! I'm going to post pictures from that. Your buddies AJ and Wesley were there too (and my buddies Angie and Breanne) and you all had such a blast on the train, stomping on the cow scale, and feeding the goats.
BUT! I wanted to share something I just posted in our mama group forum. It was the theme for today.
"Today was bizarre and painful for us. Halena hurt herself, mostly in the face, multiple times. First she fell out of the stroller onto the concrete forehead first, her nose is pretty beat up from that too. Then later she ran head first into a drawer I had opened to get silverware out. I cried there, not her. Then as we were getting home in the evening she face planted on the concrete AGAIN just by running and stumbling forward and busted her lip which is now swollen. I feel like I've lost years off my life today, gained some wrinkles and white hairs, and the stress from worrying about my sweet girl is pulsating in me still and has left me feeling so. so. drained.
Please tell me you've had days like this where you feel like the Universe is against your baby and you want revenge. "
I love you so much and to see you hurting is the most horribly painful thing I have ever experienced and will ever experience. I'm tearing up thinking about it so now "" just post the pictures from the zoo. I love you.
BUT! I wanted to share something I just posted in our mama group forum. It was the theme for today.
"Today was bizarre and painful for us. Halena hurt herself, mostly in the face, multiple times. First she fell out of the stroller onto the concrete forehead first, her nose is pretty beat up from that too. Then later she ran head first into a drawer I had opened to get silverware out. I cried there, not her. Then as we were getting home in the evening she face planted on the concrete AGAIN just by running and stumbling forward and busted her lip which is now swollen. I feel like I've lost years off my life today, gained some wrinkles and white hairs, and the stress from worrying about my sweet girl is pulsating in me still and has left me feeling so. so. drained.
Please tell me you've had days like this where you feel like the Universe is against your baby and you want revenge. "
I love you so much and to see you hurting is the most horribly painful thing I have ever experienced and will ever experience. I'm tearing up thinking about it so now "" just post the pictures from the zoo. I love you.
6.30.2013
Quick post
You've started to say "Right now" after "CHI CHI TA"
On Friday you pooped on the kitchen floor.
About 2 weeks ago I took Chapstick away from you and you cried, so adorably, "Aah youuu?" (Where are you?")
Today you were dancing on the futon and spinning around and around on the floor and kicking your legs high when we would say KICK!
You are really into Organic bunny cookies, bacon, and ketchup. In fact, you will eat anything with a little ketchup.
Last Thursday I took you to the Aquarium of the Pacific for the first time (mine too) and you ROMPED around the whole time, much more fun for you than watching the fish! Also about two weeks ago you fed goats at the zoo for the first time and started to really enjoy the carousel. When I took you around your birthday you weren't having it so it was awesome to see your growth.
Also, you poop soo much! Like three times a day. But you are also sleeping better at night which is really great, thank you.
On Friday you pooped on the kitchen floor.
About 2 weeks ago I took Chapstick away from you and you cried, so adorably, "Aah youuu?" (Where are you?")
Today you were dancing on the futon and spinning around and around on the floor and kicking your legs high when we would say KICK!
You are really into Organic bunny cookies, bacon, and ketchup. In fact, you will eat anything with a little ketchup.
Last Thursday I took you to the Aquarium of the Pacific for the first time (mine too) and you ROMPED around the whole time, much more fun for you than watching the fish! Also about two weeks ago you fed goats at the zoo for the first time and started to really enjoy the carousel. When I took you around your birthday you weren't having it so it was awesome to see your growth.
Also, you poop soo much! Like three times a day. But you are also sleeping better at night which is really great, thank you.
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