Putting things INSIDE of things

On Christmas Day, Omie taught you how to put a set of 5 coasters into your tin. Everybody would clap for you and you would look up after each time you'd put one in to queue us to say YAYY!! You are so very smart, my baby.

Beso!

Yesterday (12/27/12: Mylinh, PJ, Uncle Jong and Zito's) was the first time Halena smacked her lips from across the room when I requested a "beso". This is very exciting indeed. I hope she smacks those beautiful little lips on my cheek soon.

Dancin' dancin'

Today when we got home from walking around the Orange Circle looking for Christmas presents, the cutest thing happened. Music played from one of Halena's toys and she was sitting but started hopping on her bottom and moving around and shaking her head! Alex saw it too! This is the first time I've seen her dance without just the kicking she usually does when we dance with her in our arms. Momentous. Adorable.

Apple

Today as I was putting her in her carseat to go to the park, Hallie said "a-po" as I handed her her apple. A-PO!

Also, her teeth are closing in together and it makes her look a little older which is awesome but heyyy remember that gummy smile?!

Every night before bed time she thns into Speedy Gonzalez and crawls around the room while being chased by me or Papa on and off the bed. Cracking up! It is the cutest.

Oo and today at the park I was swinging her and got close to her face when she grabbed my hair and went backwards ripping out a chunk. Ouuuuch. More ouch: she bit my shoulder twice today and once yesterday, what the!

Uuaauuu

Also about a week ago she started "saying" WOWWW.... It's freakin adorable. And impresses everyone.

Oh, and she gives things to me when I say "Damelo".

Clap clap!

Hallie started clapping yesterday in the carseat when Joz was back there with her. Yayyyyyyy!!!!!! And claps!

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Prayer

To my God, that is, the loving, giving, benevolent and healing omnipotent energy of the Universe,

I pray For peace, love, and understanding in my household, in our community, and in the world.
I pray For the healing in the relationship with my mother, ongoing compassion for her and Love.
I pray For patience and compassion of myself. For the unconditional and forgiving love of myself.
Patience and compassion for my wonderful partner. That I always recognize that he is a precious gift.
I pray To remember of our divinity and for the constant recognition of each other as kindred spirits sharing a human experience together.
For the guidance of my Higher Self.
I pray For my daughter's joy and happiness forever and always.
I pray For all I meet, to be able to be a reflection of God, the Good and utmost potential within them.
I pray For the presence of positivity, the presence of Unconditional Love.
I ask To be mindful of All Blessings and Abundance.
I ask To be humble and healed of pain and human suffering.
I ask for The operation of my Higher Self in all my interactions but especially those with the gift that is my innocent child.
I ask to be able To take the time to sit in silence and gratitude daily.
I ask for Remembrance of my Spiritual unfoldment and to recognize that all falls within the journey to enlightenment.
I ask to be a vessel of truth and light in darkness.
I ask to be Present and brave and to serve as a model of Goodness to my daughter and to all.
I acknowledge I have everything I need in this very moment.
I acknowledge I have teachers in all who are present in my life that light the way to wholeness.
I recognize that all this is already so within me and only ask that it is manifested and continually revealed in each moment of my blessed life until the day I transition out of this world into the one I came from.
Spirit lives within me.
I am, I is, all that is and in the I is the way, the truth, and the life.

More teefs etc

Within the last week Halliebabe has developed 4 top tooth buds with only one poking out enough for me to legitimately call it a tooth.

She hasn't had too hard of a time with teething, despite the fact that she had a bit of a cold last week and that might have something to do with the teething but most likely she caught the bug that's been going around.

Alex had a cold too and slept in the living room most of the week which was kindof awesome because it meant we had the whole bed to ourselves.

This week has also been a big one for Hallie because she is starting to try to stand on her own. She gently sits down, I don't think she's confident enough yet but so close! She's been walking while hanging onto furniture too which is really impressive.

Oh! Oh! On Friday we went to the park and as I was sitting and talking to some of the other moms Hallie darted off to the playground! I had to chase her and bring her back! I felt like all the other moms who are constantly chasing their toddlers. I was mostly very happy about it though a little but scared at this glimpse into my future.

She's so very fun and VERY talkative. This morning she said something like "Auta!" and I said "Auta?" and she said "YEAH!" Alex heard it too. First conversation? Ha!

Jasmine came over yesterday, I hadn't seen her in 4 years and she spent the afternoon with us. I really like her and she really likes Halena. I think she kept calling her "juanita" but it was probably "bonita".

Ok she just climbed onto the bed after being away for a while and latched onto me hahah. Mama's girl for sure.

Crawling

My sweet little boogeroomonkeybabygirl started crawling last Thursday, Sept 27th. Three knee-steps when I got home from school. Now she's all over the place. She loves to try to climb and tear and eat the poisonous plant we bought I call the HeyMan plant. We say "nuh uh" and she thinks it's funny. Then I laugh too. How can I guide and discipline someone so angelic? She's perfect.

Alex had to watch her this past Tuesday and send me these two gems of my gem.

Busy Growing

The past two weeks or so have been huge for Hallie.

She has learned to sit up by herself. Stand up by herself. Say "MAMAMAMA" and other babbles. Right now she is chewing on Alex's ear phones leaning forward on one arm. Everything she does is really funny and makes me really proud to be her mamamama. Oh and yesterday she started whining with LONG sounds and complaints instead of whimpers. I love this baby so much.

I started a full time schedule at school too and she's being doing great with Alex's mom. I feel blessed.

Sitting

You sat up all by yourself yesterday at the park for the longest time ever yesterday.
I am SO proud of you, big girl!

Dear Mom:

I refuse to let you affect me negatively anymore.
I refuse to let your sharp words wound me.
I refuse to bear the weight of your insecurities.
I refuse to give in to the guilt trips.
I refuse to fight back.
I refuse to respond to your threats.
I refuse to be afraid of your death.
I refuse to resent you for lying about me.
I refuse to take it personally.
I refuse to stop filling the bucket with a hole at the bottom.
I refuse to compare you to anyone else who has it figured out.
I refuse to hate you.

I choose to forgive you.
I choose to have compassion for you.
I choose to be myself despite you, not to spite you.
I choose to love who I choose even if that person hurt you in the past.
I choose to to have more love and joy in my heart than pain and sadness.
I choose to use what I've learned from you as a way to deepen the connection with my daughter.
I choose to live my life proudly and with dignity.
I choose to be happy and be satisfied and grateful.
I choose to love you even though you know not how to receive it.
I choose to LOVE you.

6:30

Alex just chuckled in his sleep. :-D

Also, I'm loving holding my baby close while she sleeps soundly this morning. It's fleeting and adorable.

But. I have to pee.

The Beach!

Alex, Joz and I took Hallie to the beach for the first time yesterday. SAND. EVERYWHERE. But it turned out okay after she napped.

It was great to see the Ocean again. Such a glorious masterful monster.

High chair

Today at Rubio's, Hallie sat up with the wrap in a bunch behind her for support. We were with Maria and Ari.

That's How She Rolls

Hallie rolled over for the first time on Saturday (6/9). She was butt nekkid. Her diaper's too bulky for her to do it, so we take it off. It's amazing. Weeee!

Yesterday.

Finally.

It happened. I thought that the last time anyone would throw up in my mouth would be in 1997 when my sister unloaded on me while holding her up the way I was just holding Hallie. No, that wasn't the last time. Today it happened again. Today, my daughter threw up in my mouth. Let's hope THAT was the last time.

Women to Look Up To

This is la creme du crop. (More to come as they come to mind)

Alanis Morissette - singer/songwriter/musician/poet/empowered mom

Amy Goodman - journalist/activist/badass truthteller

Mayim Bialik - Neuroscientist/Attachment Parenting guru/mom/doppelganger

Ina May Gaskin - HBIC of all things Midwifery and Natural Childbirth

Hallie Goes to the Cinema

Yesterday I was invited by Bea, a Brazilian mom I met through LLL, to go see a movie with her at the Downtown Disney AMC for something called "Bring Your Baby Matinee" which I had never heard about. It's every first Tuesday of the month.

I was so excited for this because I hadn't been to the movies since the beginning of my second trimester. I bought popcorn and a water bottle and doused the popcorn with something called "Popcorn Topping" which everyone else, including the cashier, calls butter. It's NOT butter.

We went to see "What to Expect When You're Expecting". The movie was pretty funny and also pretty bad in terms of plot and character development. Of course, no mention of the homebirth option, but I didn't expect it. I think that because I had read such negative reviews about it before that I went in with pretty low expectations and came out pleasantly surprised. I definitely laughed out loud and cried during scenes about miscarriage and especially during the scenes where the babies were finally delivered. They actually included a scene in which Elizabeth Banks passes out because she loses too much blood from a C-section. Natural Childbirth- 1! I was most impressed by the fact that the babies in the theater were all very well behaved, including Halena. Definitely going again.

Definitely not getting popcorn. I felt so sick after the nap we took when we got home that I almost threw up and called Alex's mom to come and spot me because I felt like I was gonna pass out. Oy, I know better. It was the Popcorn Topping aka Poison. Lesson more than learned.

This is us walking the 10 minutes from the Simba parking lot to the theater. Who says I don't exercise?

Today is June 6th. Two days and one year ago, on June 4th, 2011, Alex and I found out that there was a little life growing inside me. I remember feeling so afraid, so confused, and sortakinda excited. Now that this little life has come out and over the past four months of getting to know her, she has taught me the meaning of True Unconditional Love, and that life is not something to be frightened of, but rather relentlessly cherished for its unexpected gifts and soulfully surrendered to its purposeful surprises. I could  never have imagined this a year ago. I have never in my life been so happy, so grateful for my family, so humbled by her innocence and curiosity. Every single day I wake up to her smiles and radiance and feel the indescribable. She is Everything and we have only begun to celebrate her shine. The future is blindingly, brilliantly bright.

Home Birth Story

I had prodromal labor since Thursday. Prodromal labor is when the contractions begin to get stronger and closer together but it is not quite active labor. Active labor, I learned, was when contractions were 5 minutes apart and lasting 1 minute for 1 consistent hour. So Thursday the 2nd of February, 2012, I was at 20 min apart all day. I drove Alex to work that morning and it was difficult to drive while undergoing such pressure, I decided this would be my last day of driving. On my way home I stopped at my mom's to watch some TV and take my mind off of the waves of pressure. I covered myself with a red fleece blanket and watched I Survived and other shows. It felt good to be there. That evening my dad visited and I got home pretty late to Alex making dinner. I didn't sleep that night, contractions would wake me up every time I started to get somewhere with the sandman. I was reminded about one of the stories in Spiritual Midwifery in which a woman describes them as the waves of the ocean; they rise, they reach a peak, they fall and recede until the next one. That was exactly how it was. 

Friday morning they sped up to 10 minutes apart and they were lasting about 45 seconds. I had Jade come over to bring me eggs since Alex and I couldn't drive and we were hungry. We called Genie who was at work in L.A. and she said she would call Jodi to come over and analyze the situation, check my dilation, and assess my progress. Jodi came over and did all of that, she was pretty excited and thinking out loud saying I'd probably go into labor within the day. That got me pretty excited because the sooner I had the baby, the sooner I'd be able to have a good night's sleep. I was becoming pretty delirious and weak-feeling. Jodi spent the day with us and into the night. After Genie got off of work she came over too and seemed pretty stoic, not excited like Jodi was. She told me that this was prodromal labor and that I could go one or two more weeks like that. That sounded awful and disheartening because the contractions, again, were waking me up and keeping me up all night. They would suddenly hit me at their peak and I couldn't breathe through them. At that point, I'd literally wake up screaming sometimes because they would rise as I was drifting and there was no way to prepare myself. They suggested Alex and I go take a walk to see if we could speed things up. When we were about to head out Gabi, Alex's mom, came over with groceries and candles and things we had wanted to be present for my labor. Alex somehow stayed behind and I walked around the block with Jodi helping me when she needed to. I remember stopping around the corner and grasping the pole of a STOP sign trying to get through a contraction, I thought about how curious I might look to anyone who drove by. We made it around and when we got back I went around with Alex. Genie, Jodi, and Gabi stayed behind. 

My sister, the ottoman

When Alex and I returned, my mom dropped Joz, my sister off. I didn't want to see my mom or want her around at all. I was very clear inwardly and outwardly about who was okay to come over and who was not. Because I was lacking so much sleep I think it made me really lucid and sensitive to any kind of vibrations. Alex, Joz, and I went walking further around the neighborhood and Joz mentioned that she felt that Genie and Jodi ignored her. This made me really concerned and I curtly told her not to tell me those things. Alex elaborated kindly to her that I was very sensitive and didn't want to hear any negativity at all, Joz understood and didn't say another word about it. I felt sorry I had been curt with her, she had been nothing but support and help. When we got back, the midwives said their goodbyes along with Alex's mom. Genie told me to call her when I was in active labor and to try to get some sleep either by taking Calcium/Magnesium or drinking some wine. She was afraid that I wasn't getting enough sleep which would be dangerous if I went into labor sleep deprived and exhausted, which I certainly was at that point. 

I didn't take anything that night and again had awful pain over night and woke up sleep deprived again. The next day, Saturday, was a blur. I don't know what happened that day, I remember rocking in my chair a lot and trying to read. I talked to Joz. Alex fed me good nourishing foods. I tried to walk. I felt huge and dirty and still bummed I hadn't gone into labor. And still so damn tired. I felt afraid that I would have to get transferred to the hospital if I became too tired to labor at home. That really wasn't an option in my mind. I had a short fuse but tried to laugh, Joz was really good for that. That's why I had her there, to make me smile and help me relax. That evening, I showered and finally opted for the wine. Joz, Alex, and I put on Parks and Rec and he poured me a couple of glasses of red organic Cabernet. Almost immediately my contractions spaced out about 18 minutes. I was so incredibly relieved and feeling tipsy to boot. We went to bed and I slept, finally.

Jodi and Genie

I was able to sleep pretty well Saturday night until about 3a.m.-ish when I felt the contractions come back very strongly. I was up and thinking about how I wanted to go back to sleep and I wondered if I could pour myself another glass of wine since it had helped so much. At 4a.m. I felt a really strong contraction, the strongest one yet, and my water broke with a POP! I gushed out onto the sheets and woke Alex up. I'll never forget that. "Alex! My water just broke!". He leaned over and sleepily said "Yay!" and kissed me. His excitement was reassuring and comforting and I stopped having a short-lived mini-panic attack. It reminded me that this meant we were going to have our baby soon. He brought me towels and dried me up and helped me walk to the bathroom. I must have sat on the toilet over an hour unable to move. Alex started to time them and they were consistently 5-1-1: active labor had begun. I made my way back to the bed somehow and he called Genie. She came right away and called Jodi who got here shortly after too. 

I had my eyes closed most of the time and moaned. I held Alex's hand as they would rise, peak, and let go as they fell. They progressively got much stronger and closer together and I handled some really well, meaning I didn't scream. The birthing pool was filled but our midwives said I couldn't deliver in it because it was too shallow, but the warm water was awesome relief during the contractions. "The Midwife's Epidural", one of the midwives later called it. I labored between laying in the bed, the pool, the birthing ball, and the toilet.  Alex kept telling me to keep my eyes open and I didn't know how to do that. I would try to start off the way but by the time I was in the middle of them I was just trying to survive, regardless of what my eyes were doing. He would help me breathe slowly and deeply and it helped a lot to do that, but I needed to keep being reminded. The midwives kept me hydrated with water and Recharge, nourished by offering me fruit, and going to the bathroom, which was hard for me to do. The transitions between places was especially rough because they were coming so close together and would hit me even on my way from the pool to the toilet which is only like 6 feet away. At one point they told me I needed to lay on my side on the bed so that my cervix could open up on the underside. I laid there and moaned and sweated and nearly crushed all the bones in Alex's hand. At that point the contractions were back to back, no break in between. I had begun the infamous Transition phase. I felt like throwing up and I told the midwives so once I got back to the living room where the pool was. I sat in my rocking chair and ate a banana, Genie checked the baby's heart rate and it was steady as ever. I got back in the pool. 

When I was 9.5 cm dilated in the pool I started getting the relentless urge to push. The midwives warned me not to because I still had a lip of cervix that could swell if I pushed without being fully dilated. If it did swell with a push it could be several more hours before the baby could come. It took every last tiny ounce of me not to push but within 20 minutes I was complete and they moved me immediately to the bed to start pushing. It was like, "Go, go, go!" It felt good and natural to get on my hands and knees for a couple of contractions, and finally felt so good to be able to push with no one telling me not to. Genie told me it wasn't being very effective so they suggested I lean on Alex who was sitting on the bed against the wall and spread my legs out and push that way. That was a great idea, I wanted to be near him anyway and what better way to be than in his arms. After the first contraction in that position Genie could start to feel the baby's head so she told me to feel it. I felt it. I didn't care so much though I was really just trying to focus all of my attention on resting as much as I could between contractions and putting all of my energy into pushing. At first I was making a lot of noise and then Jodi said "Your baby isn't coming out through your mouth". She meant that I shouldn't waste energy yelling because it would detract from the energy that I needed to send down my pelvis. I rested on my lover and best friend in between them and would feel a contraction coming and push with all my might. Genie had been putting oil around my labia as I was crowning and it burned like hell. I told them it felt like it was coming out of my butt and they laughed. They angled the mirror on our dresser forward so that we could see what was happening. Again, I was less concerned with watching than I was with doing. Joz and Jodi alternated turns taking pictures of the whole thing. The last contraction right before she was born, Jodi hilariously said to the baby whose heart rate had been steady the whole 9 hours up to this point, "You better come out with this next push or Aunt Jodi's gonna give ya a spankin'!" That made me smile wide. Finally, after 23 minutes pushing, the baby's head came out and in the same contraction so did the whole body!! It felt like the biggest poop one could ever take. It was so surreal like "What just happened? It's done? Oh my God a baby!". Genie lifted her up to me and I exclaimed "It's a giirrrllll!!!". I was so surprised, I had placed bets it was going to be a boy but I was so incredibly overjoyed she was a girl. She cried right away and it was beautiful. She was placed on my belly immediately, we waited for the cord to stop pulsating, and Alex cut it after a couple minutes. About 5 minutes later I delivered the placenta which was the easiest part for me, it just slid out with the next push and contraction.

 

It was awesome to be done.

I felt SO GOOD. Empowered. Relieved.

I DID IT! I did it.

About the bed.. fresh sheets covered the mattress itself then a big plastic tarp-like sheet covered the fresh sheet then another cloth sheet covers the plastic and then chucks pads covered that, pretty much like the ones you use to train dogs. I birthed on those and nothing got on the sheets underneath them. However, to be sure, after I held the baby for a long time and nursed her for the first and incredible time, I was able to shower and while I was showering the midwives took off the top sheet and the plastic covering and when I came out I was able to lay with the baby on the sheets that were at the very bottom (warm flannel mmm). Those chucks pads were also used at the beginning when I would walk from place to place because I was leaking blood from my mucus plug coming out. Is that not the most beautiful imagery?!

They weighed the baby and took measurements. She measured 19 inches and weighed 7lbs 8oz. They measured her head and Joz put a diaper on her and changed her into a onesie. Genie showed Alex how to swaddle her. The midwives gave me instructions on how to take care of her bellybutton and how to take care of my vagina. I had gotten massive hemorrhoids  and tore just a little bit so Genie had to stitch me up. It was really swollen and raw down there and I was extremely afraid of having to poop for weeks after. Jodi showed me how to freeze MaxiPads and put Witch Hazel on them to help my healing. They said they were going to eat at the Circle because they were hungry and Genie said she would be back the next day for a postpartum visit and they left us.

I cuddled my new baby and smelled her. She smelled so good, her skin was the softest. She slept. Joz hung out in the living room while Alex and I napped with our daughter. My mom came over while we were napping and admired her from a distance, she brought her some clothes. She took Joz back home. We got up to eat and Alex changed her diaper. She had black meconium poop, LOTS. Alex kept pronouncing it mAconium and it was funny. Alex's parents came over that night, too. His mom also admired her and brought her clothes. We texted everybody a picture and received many congratulatory messages. Alex's parents went home and we went back to bed. She slept the whole night. I slept really well. I would wake up pretty often to try to breastfeed her but she wasn't really interested, she had had a long day, too and needed sleep just as much as I did. I whispered to her how proud I was of her and stared at my beautiful baby, my eyes welled up and my heart filled with gratitude as it has every day from that day forward. As we speak! That's where our journey really began.

It felt RIGHT and natural to do it without medication or interventions and I was so blessed to be able to. I didn't think about receiving any kind of pain relief at all, I had already accepted that this was going to be challenging but worth it. I plan on having more babies the same way, God willing. My body completely took over and I had no choice but to trust its process and be in awe of it and gratitude towards it afterwards. Even the pain was a beautiful thing. I feel like I have no right not to feel what every woman is supposed to feel when undergoing such a rite of passage. I mean, it's PUSHING A HUMAN OUT OF YOUR VAGINA, of course you're supposed to feel that, no?! Alanis Morissette wrote that nothing can really prepare you for that and she was right. I felt completely supported by everyone around me, all four of them. I wouldn't call the contractions "painful" necessarily either, I would just call them INTENSE. It helped too that the midwives were so wonderful, professional and compassionate. 

I could not ask for a better birth partner than Alex who gave me so much strength and was right there with me every step of the way, every second, patiently lovingly holding my hand. I don't think what little grace I labored with could have been attained without his encouragement. He called me beautiful at one point and his love was my lifeboat of resiliency in a sea of uncertainty. Our world was flipped right side up when this little girl came into our lives and he has taken it all in stride by being the best father I have ever witnessed. 

So yes, it went exactly how I wanted it to go and for the reward it brought I would do it again in a heartbeat... well... in a few more years hahah. I cannot understate how much I recommend having babies this way. We never left the comfort of our home and I got to shower after and put on my own clothes, eat my own food, and lay in my bed with my family. Again, BLESSED.

 

For Halena

This blog is intended to be a tribute to my first born daughter Halena Alexandra Hillenbrand. I am so glad you are mine. I am so grateful you are healthy and happy and whole. I am so blessed you are just as loved by your father, Alex. This family that I must credit myself with having a hand in creating is my greatest accomplishment. Here we go.